Obama Joins the Club, Wishes He Hadn’t Won

This makes no sense.  Barack Obama was supposed to end strife among mankind, cure the piggy flu, and make it so neither chicken wings nor beer contain calories.  But we’re not enjoying a string of White House-initiated miracles.  Instead, the only jobs being created or saved are those of security personnel who will deal with the fallout of terrorists being treated like common criminals in Southern Manhattan and Illinois.  We’re poor and unconvinced that we’re secure, and some of us are even reconsidering whether it’s presently wise to call for amending the Constitution so that The Once-Chosen One can reign indefinitely.

Maybe it’s the fault of MSNBC and Katie Couric for making us like him so much.  But that’s no excuse for the duped voters in question.  They didn’t just get suckered by misleadingly enticing ads for dubious sponge replacements or backwards bathrobes: they elected a charmer who is painfully discovering he can’t beguile his way to success at his current job.

The person most perplexed about Obama’s failure to fix everything is of course Obama.  He doesn’t want to deal with what’s busted, largely because he didn’t think any hard work would be necessary due to his magic wand-waving ability.  He should have known he was running for a term packed with headaches and excruciating decisions.  Instead, he committed the worst conceivable miscalculation: he believed his own hype, which some may remember was rather fawning.  Unfortunately, his magnetism is trumped by his kind-of socialism.

Whose fault is it that these aren’t fun times?  The incumbent can’t seem to stop pointing out the evil stupidity allegedly wrought by the previous White House inhabitant’s policies.  Obama is the sort who lists qualities he doesn’t like about the First Lady before blaming her ex-boyfriends for them.

But, for someone who condemns the past administration for everything short of Tiger Woods’s adulterous predilection for female service industry employees, Obama sure likes much of what Bush did.  After all, he’s pursuing at least some of the same policies.  Most notably, many of the Patriot Act’s provisions remain in place; they still help keep everyone, including the ingrates, safe.

On top of that, some think that the speech he delivered after picking up the most undeserved bauble in history sounded like it could have been delivered by his predecessor.  More depressingly, George W. Bush and Obama are both pro-bailout presidents.  Sometimes, the difference between the current and last guy, respectively, is who’s reading the speech.

Nonetheless, the White House’s current resident will spend the remainder of his sentence pointing fingers while moaning about inherited curses.  With that in mind, they may as well go back a little further and blame Jimmy Carter for all this misery.  Most notably, he let Iranian goons set up shop when he wasn’t pursuing policies that resulted in financial desolation; in that light, we’re essentially currently enduring Carter’s second term.  That must be why the malaise farmer takes criticisms of his fellow Nobel winner so personally.

But Obama can’t even do the right things right when he takes a break from carping.  Take how he announced that he would be sending troops to win a necessary war, only to simultaneously tell those being deployed that they have to complete the mission really quickly.  The tone was sadly unlike his partly refreshing words delivered to sycophantic Norwegians:

After 18 months, our troops will begin to come home. These are the resources that we need to seize the initiative, while building the Afghan capacity that can allow for a responsible transition of our forces out of Afghanistan.

Obama once again displayed his uninspired willingness to completely disregard his leftist base even while announcing a decision to maintain our safety.  Thanks to that, our military members will have to act heroically in a hurry.

If a deadline was necessary, he should have phrased it differently.  For example, I humbly would have suggested emphasizing how productive our forces would be over that time, as in, “We’re going to kick the living tar out of any sucker who dares pick a fight with our side.  You freedom-hating twerps have 18 months to either accept our awesomeness or prepare for the termination of your existences.”  Then I’d instruct him to pull out a calendar and circle 2011’s deadline date.  That’s why I’m unlikely to be employed as a White House speechwriter for at least three more years.

Regardless, his words didn’t quite measure up to, say, “We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills…”  Maybe he flat out doesn’t care for anything British.  That would explain why he rejected the Churchill bust; the only shock is that Rahm Emanuel didn’t stick the inspiring effigy on eBay.

Regardless, Obama’s attempt to win a war, even on a deadline, is an aberration.  Mostly, our president spends his hours trying to pull regulatory shams that will cost you both liberty and currency.  For example, the EPA hopes to begin intimately regulating every carbon dioxide-producing outfit, which technically includes you, human.

Nobody knows what grudge the administration holds against hungry plants.  What’s important is that the public isn’t falling for him or his administration’s restrictions anymore.  It’s no shock that he seems cranky lately when discussing topics such as banking executives or collectivized health care: he misinterpreted votes for him as the equivalent of a desire to let him supervise our daily lives.  Many of those who backed the Hoper/Changer are feeling hung over, which is why graphically-displayed views of him resemble an X.  We’re collectively weary of hearing him moan about either circumstances or our unwillingness to accept his ideas for repairing said circumstances.

Perversely, he may fear the recession’s end.  It’s entirely possible Obama actually believes in the collectivist nonsense he’s spearheaded; he may also genuinely think that his endless cash tossing has not exacerbated fiscal ruin.  But deep down, he might just be meddling at will as an act of unintentional self-sabotage.  It’s all because he thinks it’s more fun to look for a job than hold down a job.

He has to think that those two years campaigning were way more than twice as fun as this first year of working.  Obama is so generally misguided that it almost looks as if he’s propelling himself into unemployment as quickly as possible.

That way, he can get back to a task where he truly excelled, namely consequence-free speaking: it will be nice for him to complain without having the power to actually fix things.  Of course, he’ll be doing so without running for anything after his subconsciously liberating 2012 defeat.

But if he corners you on a park bench or in a Starbucks a decade from now and begins a story, “Remember that time when I said, ‘Yes We Can,’ and everyone cheered?” please give him a sympathy listen.  He can recall when he was at his happiest while you can feel content that the daunting times where he was in charge are over.  Obama will finally please everyone once he’s out of power.

Anthony Bialy is a freelance writer and “Red Eye” Conservative in Western New York.  He blogs at http://thebuffalobean.com and tweets at http://twitter.com/AnthonyBialy.

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